If you are a regular reader, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t written much in awhile. It’s not that I don’t have anything going on or anything to say, I have plenty. I’ve just been struggling lately. Stuck. I’ve been feeling depressed and feeling lost. Lost my outlet. Lost my voice. Lost myself.
I know having and caring for children requires sacrifices. And it’s a sacrifice I welcome, but I also think it’s important for me, and my family, for me to maintain a sense of self. I am a father. A stay-at-home father, but that’s not all I am. I’m finding it’s really difficult trying to find that balance.
I always pictured that my 30s would be the prime of my life, but I feel off. Like something is missing. I’m not content right now. I want more. Not more “stuff,” more for me. More for my family. I know I work hard but I’m not firing on all cylinders.
All day long I feel like there is this beast inside me who is trying to claw his way out. To create, to breathe, to live, to be. To feel that sense of freedom. But after a full day of cooking, feeding, negotiating, listening, playing, melt downs and negotiating (did I already say that one? Count that one twice) I’m emotionally spent. Instead of anxiously writing and reflecting on the events of the day I search guitar solos on YouTube and watch a documentary about the sun on Netflix. And that beast inside me that was anxious to be freed turns into a lazy lion. “Maybe write tomorrow? This show on the sun is fascinating!” he’ll say.
This blog used to be my therapeutic and creative outlet. A space where I could be me, process my emotions, and reflect on the happenings of the day. My blog became an extension of myself. It was my art. It was not only a fun outlet, but it became a necessary one. It didn’t matter if anybody read it, but I felt better having processed my thoughts from the day.
I’ve almost closed the doors on this site at least three times this year. But I felt like I had found my “thing.” How could I be ready to throw it away after just under three years?
I am tired and drained from the day. But I am more tired of feeling defeated and out of control. The only thing that can change that is me. I have choices. And I have to remind myself I chose this. I chose to stay home with the kids and I value and see the importance in what I do. I know whatever heartache I feel now and whatever struggles I’m having with Ellie and Chloe is temporary. They will eventually sleep and at some point will use the toilet (God willing).
It’s time for me to dig deep and keep moving forward. To keep working and trying.
And as far as shutting down my blog? Nah, not yet.
I really think I need it now more than ever.